comfort

Reflect on a time where a loved one was grieving or in pain. What responses did you show up with?

1 Samuel 1:8

“Hannah, why are you crying?” her husband Elkanah would say to her. “Why won’t you eat? Why are you so sad? Aren’t I worth more to you than ten sons?”

Elkanah loves Hannah — but he has no clue how to comfort her.

Author and podcaster Kate Bowler explains,  “Sometimes those who love you best will skip that first horrible step of saying: ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.’” 

At a loss for words, they may offer platitudes that downplay the pain (“It’s not so bad!” “Let go, let God!” “At least…”)

It hurts to see a loved one distraught; our impulse can be to rush to make them feel better, or to search for a quick fix that just doesn’t exist — a combination of what Bowler calls the “minimizer” and “solver” responses to others’ pain.

That’s what Elkanah does: he aches to see his wife enduring a grief he doesn’t understand, so he tries to make that grief — and his own discomfort — go away. Instead of offering a listening ear, he minimizes: “Why are you so sad? At least you have me!”

…Unsurprisingly, Hannah is not encouraged.

Reflect on a time where a loved one was grieving or in pain. What responses did you show up with? How do you want to show up in future situations — and how can you practice now to get it right then?

– Avery Arden